It's Alright.
Sewing in my apartment, San Francisco, CA, 2016I lived in a studio apartment in San Francisco for four years. It was right on Market Street and many years ago it used to be a theater. There were many different types of people living in the building. Some moved in and unfortunately gentrified the place like I did. Other like my neighbor lived there for over twenty years. I lived on the 22nd floor and in unit 22. It was always easy to remember - 2222.
When I moved in the building manager said, “Oh, 2222, in yoga that would mean good luck - meaning that your life is in sync now.” I thanked her and carried on.
I had a tall mirror in front of my apartment that I always looked at before I went out… To check how I looked. I would look at myself from the front and back. I was constantly feeling self-conscious about my weight.
I went to the gym twice a week so that I can be 5’7” and 125 pounds. That’s how much I weighed throughout give and take a few pounds.
In the elevator every morning I saw different people coming up and down the 30 story building. One day I bumped into my neighbor he always said good morning so I made sure to say it first this time, “good morning”.
“Good morning, Wynne! You look so nice.” He said
“Thank you sir, good morning,” I replied.
“You know, you always look so nice. So perfect. You always look so perfect.” He said.
I didn’t know what to say to him. And that that moment I didn’t know how or what to feel. I didn’t know how to tell him that I ate the same meals for three years almost every night in my little studio apartment: a cup of kale, two eggs, two sausages and multigrain bread. How I felt scared to gain weight. How “perfect” I wanted to look on the outside.
So I didn’t say anything. I took my perfect looking self out of the elevator and continued on. So for four years I worked really hard to look beautiful and perfect on the outside.
Sometimes I had to appear perfect to protect the person that I have living inside. That’s alright, I did what I had to do to survive the years living alone in a city where I knew only a few people.
It’s alright, it’s alright.
我在舊金山的一室公寓裡住了四年。它就在市場街上，多年前它曾經是一個劇院。大樓裡住著許多不同類型的人。有些人搬進來，不幸的是像我一樣把這個地方高檔化了。其他像我的鄰居在那裡住了二十多年。我住在 22 樓和 22 單元。它總是很容易記住 - 2222。
當我搬進來時，大樓經理說：“哦，2222，在瑜伽中這意味著好運——這意味著你的生活現在是同步的。”我感謝她並繼續。
我的公寓前有一面高大的鏡子，出門前我總是看它……檢查我的樣子。我會從正面和背面看自己。我一直對自己的體重感到不自在。
我每週去健身房兩次，這樣我就可以達到 5 英尺 7 英寸和 125 磅的體重。這就是我在整個給予和接受幾磅的過程中的重量。
每天早上在電梯裡，我都會看到不同的人在30層樓的大樓裡來來往往。有一天我碰到我的鄰居，他總是說早上好，所以這次我一定要先說“早上好”。
“早上好，溫妮！你真好看。”他說
“謝謝先生，早上好，”我回答道。
“你知道，你總是那麼好看。非常完美。你看起來總是那麼完美。”他說。
我不知道該對他說什麼。那一刻我不知道該有什麼感覺。我不知道如何告訴他三年來我幾乎每天晚上都在我的小單間公寓裡吃同樣的飯菜：一杯羽衣甘藍、兩個雞蛋、兩條香腸和雜糧麵包。我是多麼害怕體重增加。我想從外面看是多麼“完美”。
所以我什麼都沒說。我帶著完美的自我走出電梯，繼續前行。所以四年來，我真的很努力地工作，以便在外面看起來美麗而完美。
有時我不得不表現得完美無缺，以保護我內心深處的人。沒關係，我做了我必須做的事情，才能在一個我只認識幾個人的城市裡獨自生活多年。
沒關係，沒關係。