Permission to Fall Apart

For so many years I carried myself through school, college and through work trying to fix myself and make myself functional at work with my friends and I just kept on holding on. Holding onto not exposing how broken I was already ever since I was four. Dragging my broken pieces along, too afraid and ashamed to let anyone see how broken I was.

How much I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere or to anyone.

Yet, in some ways there is a freedom to it. My body is unwilling to continue to fight to have all the pieces put back together; it yearns to be exposed broken as they are with scars and everything. So today, I let myself completely fall apart. I just did. All these years of trying to keep it together for myself, my family and being really on my own my whole life really just took a toll on me.

My husband watched as I cried today for hours; sitting in our car, Bobby. Feeling him by my side as I exposed how broken I was - I was shocked at how much I held and hid my whole life.

My body aches from all the crying today. I just know that it was a relief to have permission to completely fall apart and shatter into a million pieces. And this time, I had my husband here to carry all my pieces and tell me that he loves and cares for me just as I am.

Wynne