On Creating Hope

I've been trying to re-establish my relationships in Toronto after being away for almost a decade. During my time there this summer, I’m staying with my cousin. All the habits and rules reminded me of my upbringing. I grew up mostly with my beloved cousins as my mother worked during the day. So, in a way, I’m going back to see how I was “made.”

I recall the countless lessons and classes we had to attend after school and on weekends. There were Chinese and math schools on Saturdays and various activities scattered throughout the week: piano, swimming, trips to the library, art classes, gymnastics. During the summer, I didn’t really have a break because we were in Chinese “camp” from 9 am to 6 pm. I remember evenings playing games with my cousins, learning about strategy and math through card games. It was mesmerizing and I always tried my best to catch up. Despite the challenges, it was fun and peaceful. I remember the board games, especially Monopoly, and watching Chinese soap operas on videotapes with my cousin. We had bike rides with the wind brushing against our skin and sleepovers with other cousins. We also had house rules: meals at the same time everyday and regimented waking and sleeping times.

I used to feel trapped and confused by all these rules. There were so many that I felt like I couldn’t breathe at times. This time, going back with my husband, I felt nervous for subjecting him to the regimen I grew up with.

However, I realized that these rules made me a resilient person. As an immigrant with absolutely nothing, coming to Canada at five years old, this rigor and belief in not giving up, my work ethic, and a certain level of intelligence were "trained" into me from a young age. These qualities helped me achieve everything I have today: two properties, a marriage, a career I love, and a mental attitude that convinces me I can learn anything if I put my mind to it. I developed a competitive edge; the more someone said I couldn’t do something, the harder I worked to prove them wrong. I became extremely focused and capable of solving most of my challenges on my own.

I know now that it’s thanks to the efforts of my guardians growing up. What was seen as a “competitive” attitude was actually nurturing grit, perseverance, and mental toughness. There were too many moments in Seattle and San Francisco where I had absolutely nothing—literally $1500 in my account and not a penny more. Knowing my mother depended on me, plus all the mental toughness training I had, I created budgets, organized my days, built supportive relationships, asked for help, and learned everything I could at lightning speed.

Looking back, I realize that the training and sacrifices my guardians made truly enabled me to succeed. No matter how hard things got, I never lost hope—not once.

I never lost hope—not once.

When I see how different parents raise their children now, I notice some put their children in more activities than others. Although I didn’t have the most freedom growing up, the regimens mentally prepared me for many adult challenges. For instance, what do you do when all your items are shipped to San Francisco, and now the entire apartment is flooding and you know nobody there? What do you do when your mother gambles away all the money you gave her? What do you do when your ex-boyfriend won’t stop coming to your apartment and you need to leave?

All of these became challenges and fun problems to solve. Some were painful, but I always had hope. Somehow, I always believed in myself. Witnessing my cousins solve difficult challenges and the rigor they applied made me believe that anything is possible and can be done with a sense of fun.

Looking forward, I think I’m going to go back to living with my cousin and her family over the summer. They run a tight ship and are doing an extraordinary job keeping the kids in check and helping them believe in themselves. I am so grateful for my upbringing and am feeling so excited to see how that part is showing up in my life today.