Leading with love, compassion, thoughtfulness and intelligence

I recently watched a conversation between Mel Robbins and Carla Harris about power, visibility and the unwritten rules of the workplace.

I have led complicated work, navigated ambiguity, supported my colleagues and helped teams move forward. But I can also see how often I have made myself easier to receive.

Research has found that women can experience social penalties for assertive behaviours that are more readily accepted as leadership in men. We learn to be confident, but not intimidating; warm, but still authoritative; collaborative, but visibly decisive.That balancing act can become so familiar that we stop noticing how much energy it requires.

A different understanding of power

I am beginning to understand power differently. Power does not have to mean dominance, certainty without reflection or taking up space at someone else’s expense. It can mean being fully present. It can mean trusting what I know while remaining open to what I have not yet considered.

I want to lead with love, compassion, thoughtfulness and intelligence. Love means remembering that the people around me are human beings, not obstacles to overcome. Compassion means extending understanding to others and to the versions of myself that learned to stay safe by staying quiet. Thoughtfulness means considering context, consequences and perspectives beyond my own. Intelligence means using my experience to form a recommendation, explain my reasoning and help the group make a better decision.

These values do not weaken assertiveness. They give it purpose.

Staff design requires a point of view

At the staff level, my role is not simply to produce good design. I am expected to notice patterns, clarify uncertainty, name risks, connect work across systems and help teams decide what matters. That requires a point of view. I can say, “Here is what I recommend, and here is why,” without pretending that I possess the only correct answer. I can disagree while remaining respectful. I can be certain about what I currently believe and genuinely curious about what might change my mind. Assertiveness and inquiry are not opposites. Assertiveness gives the conversation somewhere to begin. Genuine inquiry allows the conversation to become wiser.

My 90-day experiment

For the next 90 days, I am going to practise showing up more fully. I will lead with a recommendation rather than hiding it inside a question. I will make my thinking visible, including the evidence, instincts and experience behind it. I will name tradeoffs and risks with clarity. I will continue investing in relationships, not because relationships are a strategy for advancement, but because trust and care make meaningful work possible. I will ask questions from genuine curiosity, not as a substitute for expressing my own perspective. And I will take calculated risks, including the risk of being seen more clearly. This experiment is not primarily about being promoted. It is not about becoming louder, harder or more performative. It is about discovering what becomes possible when I stop treating my gifts as something I need to conceal. I do not want my power to come at anyone else’s expense.

I want it to make the room more honest, more compassionate and more capable of doing thoughtful work. Perhaps owning our power is not about becoming someone new. Perhaps it is about finally allowing ourselves to come out.